I look for deep weather,
To take me down away,
The light seems far gone now,
And nothing have I to say.
I struggle in the smother'ngs,
Of day's lightest morn,
Cry when I have everything,
Laugh when I have none.
The saddest hour is perfection,
Yet happy is a wrong,
I stand - unbearable - nothing found a cause.
----
I like it. That is all. xD
----
I lose my conscience when I thirst,
For innocence prolonged,
I strangle it to silence,
I drink its precious blood.
It cries as it wavers,
And soon it's all but gone,
Now there is another,
Socio all along.
----
If Satan has his hour,
And God his day,
Do I get the month, then,
Or is it all as His?
Have I grasped at straws,
'Til beaten - bruised they fall?
Or do I simply clutch at nothing,
Imagination raw?
Take my path, sweet angel,
Devils do not dare.
For as He says - so truthfully,
"The spirit is willing,
But the flesh is weak."
----
A sprint for life,
Is all I have,
A hope for happenstance.
I tremble in the corner,
Forgotten - all but lost.
They eas'ly call me hopeless,
And look down 'pon my cold.
Yet there is one more - a single hope for me.
Someone who would care.
Someone who would hold me close,
And tell me just to dare and hope,
That at last I had found a lov'ng Father,
A Mother who would say,
"I love you more then anything,
My daughter you shall stay."
----
A lasting end,
A beg'ning for the good,
A light among the darkness,
Some info for you would,
Help to melt the apathy,
The mat'rialistic sick,
That sweeps across my nation,
And binds my people tight.
I fight for rights and freedom,
For hope and life and love,
Yet no one wants to hear me,
Convenience is their all.
But somehow I still struggle,
To open up their eyes,
And tell them all is trouble,
They need to find my light.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
It's an interesting poem, but it doesn't really tell what it's about clearly. I get that it's about someone going away and you don't want that to happen and sort of angery at that person for leaving. I maybe completely wrong, but that's my guess. It is sort of repetitive, but I think it ties the poem together and if it inspired you to write a book than it was definetly worth writting.
As a poem, i think it has potential! It's interesting and the repetitive lines give it personality that other poetry lacks!
Cliche is an overused word! This poem could mean whatever you want it to mean, so go for it - if it inspired a book, then it's worth it! And if you aren't sure about it, then expand it, shrink it, build to it and play around with ideas about what the line
'these claws reach ever deeper'
might mean. Could it mean something different everytime? a repeated representation of similar subjects?
Maybe reconsider the line 'and i can't believe it's true' as, i don't know, it just doesn't seem to fit with the rest of your very mysterious and melancholy poem!
Just some thoughts i had!
I hope you will consider them! If so, i look forward to reading any re-writes or extra thoughts you might have on this poem.
best of luck with later ventures!! ^^
It's very repetive and not exactly clear of what it's about. I've split it up so it flows better.
Overall: It doesn't seem to make any sense. Plus it's quite cliche. I could say more but holding back harshness.
Good luck
VSN
Oh cool! What's it discribing because Im always oblivious to these things....
-em